The formalities

For anyone interested, the calling hours will be at Seymour Funeral Home in Potsdam tomorrow from 2-4 pm and 7-9 pm. The funeral service will be at the United Methodist Church in Potsdam at 3 pm on Tuesday.

it's over

he's at peace. my mom has gone to the hospital to say a final goodbye. I took my ambien. I just don't have it in me. She'll need my strength over the next while, anyway.

messed up

I never gave much thought to the holidays in terms of what they mean when you have lost loved ones, especially when the loss is so proximate. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a Thanksgiving without remembering what a lousy holiday we just had. It's the first Holiday, and I certainly hope the last, where I spent the day at the bedside of a dying loved one. It's fortunate enough that my kids don't quite "get it" yet, and for that I am thankful. It's hard enough to answer the questions I am getting...

why is papa still sleeping?
when is he going to wake up?
why is grandma still at the hospital?
why is papa's door closed?

The older two know about the cancer and they know that eventually he will die from it. But they don't understand why the papa they saw who was just"fine" on Sunday morning will not be coming home.

Wednesday afternoon when the severe bleeding was confirmed, the doctor told us it could be a few hours or it could be a few days until he passed. They said he wasn't in pain, although i guess we really will never know. He seems comfortable. 48 hours later, and several "we think it's imminent" moments, he's still fighting. You can hear his breathing getting weaker and you can see that he is slowing down, but he's still hanging on. I wish this could be over, and I would never say that if I thought there was any prayer of him coming back. But there's not, and he wouldn't want this dragged out, any more than we do. It's been the roughest week of my life and the worst 48 hours I have ever known. The roller coaster ride is nearly over, although the sadness of the loss-to-be is just beginning to settle in.

From bad to worse

Things have gone from bad to worse and there is little that gives me hope this evening, except that he is comfortable and loved. For nearly 30 years he has been my daddy and I am facing the reality that I am going to be a fatherless child before my birthday, probably before that. The bleed has progressed and now we have to wait for his body to tell us what his mind can not. I think I need to go to bed. It will be a very long next few days.

downward spiral

my mom just called. something happened overnight and there is more bleeding at the clot area. he's basically non-responsive and not likely to change. So I am heading to NY after all. Apparently any germs I bring won't really make a difference at this point.

Round and round we go

My mom went to visit my dad when she got done working this afternoon, to find he had digressed yet again. Slow, garbled, weak. She said he had improved slightly by the time she headed home this evening, but the scan they did this afternoon shows a little bleed by the clot. Dr said he it isn't "critical" just "difficult."

I was planning to go over tomorrow afternoon and stay for Thanksgiving day and maybe through the weekend, but since we seem to have this giant black cloud that refuses to budge, that won't be happening. I now have a fever, so my visiting and bringing germs becomes the last thing my daddy needs, despite how much I would like to be with him and my mom and sis.

Seizure

is the latest word. The doctor believes that yesterday's "episode" was a seizure caused by the blood clot. His motor control on his right side is improved over yesterday afternoon, so that is positive. Right now, he basically gets a babysitter in case there are any more seizures.